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Parenting: Success Requires A Team Effort
By Elizabeth Sharp, Graduate Student, Human Development and Family Studies
May 2, 2008, 16:15 PST
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Parenting: Success Requires A Team Effort
Elizabeth Sharp, Graduate Student, Human Development and Family Studies
Sara Gable, State Specialist, Human Development and Family Studies
Every day, parents are faced
with decisions about how to raise their children. Some decisions are minor, such
as whether children can have snacks before dinner, and some are major, such as
which school a child attends. Sometimes mothers and fathers agree on these matters,
and other times they do not. How parents negotiate their childrearing beliefs
and their day-to-day shared parenting responsibilities is called coparenting.
Coparents may live in the same household or in separate households. Regardless
of where coparents live, and whether coparents are married or not, research
suggests that the coparenting relationship plays an important role in children's
lives. The extent to which children experience their parents as partners or
opponents in parenting is related to children's adjustment and well being.
The study of coparenting grew out of research done on marriage, parenting
and child development. In general, studies showed that children who were getting
along with others, doing well in school and feeling good about themselves lived
in families with satisfied husbands and wives and effective mothers and fathers.
Children who were not doing as well lived in households with less satisfied
spouses and less effective parents. A closer look at these families revealed
that husbands and wives who were not getting along often allowed their marital
problems to interfere with their effectiveness as a parenting team.
Unhappy marriages and unsupportive coparenting went hand-in-hand. And unsupportive
coparenting resulted in children who didn't feel good about themselves or get
along well with others. Research shows these connections between marriage, coparenting
and child development in both divorced and non-divorced families.
Supportive coparenting
Supportive coparenting takes
place when mothers and fathers agree on parenting decisions. These decisions range
from the routine, such as agreeing that bedtime is 8 p.m., to the philosophical,
such as beliefs about what is best for the child.
Children experience supportive coparenting when they receive the same message
from both parents and when they observe their parents supporting each other's
parenting efforts.
You can find opportunities to practice supportive coparenting every day. For
example:
Adam (2 years
old) touches the dishes in the dishwasher. Mom and Dad quickly tell Adam, "No,
no, stay away from the dishwasher."
In this example, Adam receives
the same message from both parents. He is told that he should stay away from
the dishwasher. When children hear the same message from both parents, they
are more likely to listen and cooperate.
Bob (18 months
old) stands by the door, waiting to go outside. Mom tells Bob that he can't
go out because he isn't wearing his outside clothes. Bob then looks at his dad.
Dad replies to Bob, "You heard what your mother said."
In this situation, the
child receives the same message from both parents.
Parents who do not live
in the same household also have many opportunities to support each other's parenting
decisions. For example:
Marcia (13
years old) lied to her mother about a test grade. Because of the lie, Marcia's
mom told her that she could not see her friends over the weekend. However, Marcia
was to spend the weekend at her dad's house. After hearing about the lying incident,
Marcia's father agreed that she shouldn't see her friends over the weekend.
Because Marcia's parents
agreed that the lie was serious and required follow-through, she received the
same message from both parents.
Supportive coparenting
is important for a child's well-being. Children can feel better about themselves
when they do not have to worry about their parents. Children need to experience
a strong and cooperative relationship between their parents. Research shows
that children do best when the adults "in charge" can get along with each other
and handle disagreements positively. Mothers and fathers who agree about most
parenting issues and who frequently support each others' parenting efforts create
an environment that allows children to be children. In this way, children have
the opportunity to focus on what matters to them (school, friends, activities),
not their parents' disagreements.
Unsupportive coparenting
Unsupportive coparenting occurs
when mothers and fathers disagree about parenting issues. These can be minor disagreements,
such as one parent letting a child watch TV before she does her homework and the
other parent wanting the child to do her homework first. These issues can also
be about childrearing beliefs. Some parents may argue about how to discipline,
with one parent believing in physical punishment and the other believing in reasoning
and discussion. These arguments can become negative and hostile if parents are
unable to resolve their differences.
Children experience unsupportive coparenting when they hear different messages
from their parents and when they observe their parents arguing about issues
related to them. For example:
Tashel (9 years
old) comes into the kitchen to ask her parents if she can play with her friend.
Immediately, Mom says, "Okay, have fun!" But Dad tells Tashel to stay home and
finish cleaning her room.
In this example, Tashel
receives different messages from her parents. Her mom tells her that she can
go play with her friend and her dad tells her to stay home and clean her room.
What should she do? Who should she listen to?
This is a confusing situation
that can cause a child to feel guilty (for having to choose which parent to
listen to), anxious (for worrying about their parents fighting), and caught
in the middle of a no-win situation.
Repeated experiences of
unsupportive coparenting can be harmful for children. Research tells us that
children who see and hear coparenting disagreements feel bad about themselves
and experience guilt, stress and anxiety. Poor coparenting relationships weaken
the partnership between husbands and wives, and may cause children to worry
about their parents' relationship. Parental disagreements and arguments about
childrearing create a no-win situation for children. They don't know which parent
to listen to, are unsure of how to behave, and feel responsible for their mother's
and father's problems.
Children are especially
affected by unsupportive coparenting that includes negative emotions. When one
parent expresses sarcasm or disapproval of the other parent, children feel the
"sting" of these exchanges.
One 13-year-old
boy, whose parents are divorced, said this about his parents' fighting: "They
(his parents) have fought because they want me the same week or something —
it's not working. My dad has gotten really angry at mom and, yeah, when your
parents fight, you don't feel good at all because you feel like you had something
to do with it and they're fighting over you."
The reality of coparenting
Day-to-day, most mothers and
fathers engage in both supportive and unsupportive coparenting. Parents commonly
agree about some parenting matters and disagree about others. However, research
shows that the best situation for children is when parents engage in more supportive
coparenting than unsupportive coparenting. Children do better when their mothers
and fathers work together as a parenting team and support one another's efforts.
Research shows that children's adjustment can be helped or hindered by the
quality of marriage and coparenting relationships. When mothers and fathers,
whether married or not, work to keep the coparenting relationship strong and
supportive, children benefit.
Because of the importance of supportive coparenting, mothers and fathers should
cooperate. Cooperation requires parents to make a conscious effort to put their
child's best interest first. Parents need to consider their child's thoughts
and feelings when coparenting and learn to "see the world through their child's
eyes." Mothers and fathers can be supportive of each other's parenting and demonstrate
mutual courtesy and respect.
When coparenting disagreements arise, parents can work toward resolving the
issue. Conflict resolution is critical in learning how to manage disagreements.
When parents resolve their disagreements, children feel confident that their
parents can work together.
When asked
if good communication between parents makes it easier for kids, one teenage
boy replied, "Yeah, 'cause then if your parents get mad, then they can get mad
at each other and then that makes it a lot easier on a kid because it's not
really the kid's fault..."
Children recognize supportive
coparenting and everyone benefits from it.
Coparenting after divorce
A group of researchers at the
University of Missouri asked children about their parents' post-divorce relationships.
According to these children, being put "in the middle" of their coparents' disagreements
is distressing. Here are some examples of what the children said:
(Girl, age 14)
"I get stuck in the middle a lot: 'What's your dad doing,' 'What's your mom
doing?' It kind of gets annoying 'cause then I get to a point where it's like
'if you really want to know, ask them yourself.'"
(Boy, age 10) "I don't like being the messenger between parents. I mean
they'll tell me something, like my mom will say, 'Oh, what's your dad doing,'
or 'Oh, by the way, could you tell him this and that for me,' and it just
goes back and forth for a while until I quit doing that. I just didn't want
to do that anymore."
Keeping children out of
the middle of post-divorce coparenting conversations is important for a child's
well-being. Children need to be free from the responsibility of delivering messages
and information between their parents. They also need to have the opportunity
to focus on what is important to them.
Special thanks: The
authors want to thank Jason Hans and Mark Fine for sharing these quotes and
others that appear in the text. This research was supported by the University
of Missouri's McNair Scholars Program.
Keys to conflict resolution
Handling difficult situations
is a part of everyday life. Sometimes, when we try to handle a disagreement or
ask someone to change his or her behavior, a conflict erupts. How we handle and
mange conflicts is important for our well-being and for our relationships.
Conflicts about coparenting can be a disadvantage to children as well as to
the marital relationship. One of the keys to successful conflict management
is RESOLUTION. When parents resolve their conflicts, children learn about handling
disagreements. This gives children confidence in their parents' ability to take
care of matters and move forward.
Behaviors that help conflict
resolution:
Clear, nondefensive communication
Use "I" statements when you begin to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Begin
your sentences with "I" (such as, "I feel," "I think," "I was hurt") instead of
"You" (such as, "You make me mad," "You didn't do this"). When you use "I" statements
instead of "You" statements, the person you are talking with will be less likely
to feel defensive.
Patient listening
Really listen while the other person is talking. Focus on what the other person
is saying instead of thinking about what you are going to say next. Wait until
the person is finished talking before you respond to what was said.
Understanding and mutual
respect
Work to see the other person's perspective. Think about his or her point of
view and what he or she is saying. Recognize that one person's opinion is not
better than another's.
Stay calm
Do your best to stay calm when you are working through a disagreement. Breathe
slowly, silently count or pinch your thumb and forefinger together to keep from
becoming upset or angry. If you or your partner become upset, stop talking and
agree to continue when you have both calmed down.
Maintain focus
Focus on the topic under discussion and work toward resolution of that issue.
Keep unrelated issues out of the discussion.
Behaviors that hurt conflict
resolution:
Criticism
Avoid criticizing the other person and finding fault with his or her thoughts
and ideas. This strategy makes a person feel hopelessly flawed. Instead, focus
on what you would like to see changed. For example, saying "you're a slob" is
an attack on the other person whereas, "I would like you to pick up your clothes,"
focuses on the actual behavior.
Defensiveness
It can be easy to respond to another person's complaints or suggestions for
change with defensiveness (such as, "It's not my fault"). Resist the urge to
hear what is said as a personal attack. Instead, listen to your partner's words
as helpful information and ideas. Keep your response non-emotional and view
the exchange of information as intended to help, not to make someone feel bad.
Sarcasm
Sarcasm is especially damaging because it is often intended to hurt another
person. If you find yourself thinking lots of negative thoughts about someone
and imagine yourself saying these things, stop these thought patterns and replace
them with more compassionate ideas.
Passiveness
Withdrawing from the disagreement does not resolve the situation. Some people
feel physically uncomfortable and tense with difficult conversations. Instead
of responding to the physical discomfort, try to focus on the issue at hand
and the words being said. If the conflict is too uncomfortable, you can say,
"I can't deal calmly with this right now. Let's agree to talk about it in an
hour, after I've calmed down and had time to think."
Two possible roads to resolution
- Consider each other's
ideas and make a decision. This road involves negotiation and compromise.
Although each person may give up something, the solution is agreeable to both.
- Let one person make the
decision for both of you, even if you are not in total agreement with the
outcome. "Agree to disagree," and move forward
Conflict is natural. Conflicts
are best resolved when parents are able to negotiate, apologize, let go of the
disagreement and move ahead. Research says that even if parents resolve the
disagreement "behind closed doors," children are less likely to get upset and
more likely to feel better. When children experience coparenting conflicts that
are unresolved, they feel angry and distressed. Every step toward conflict resolution
is a move in the right direction.
References
Cummings, E. M., Ballard, M.,
El-Sheikh, M., & Lake, M. 1991. Resolution and children's responses to interadult
anger. Developmental Psychology, 27, 462-470.
Cummings, E. M., and Davies, P. 1994. Children and marital conflict. New
York: The Guilford Press.
Emery, R. E. 1982. Interparental conflict and the children of discord and
divorce. Psychological Bulletin, 92, 310-330.
Fiske, C., and Clark, J. 1996. Negotiation Skills. University of Missouri,
Outreach and Extension, Human Environmental Sciences publication (GH 6830).
Gable, S., Belsky, J., and Crnic, K. 1995. Coparenting during the child's
2nd year: A descriptive account. Journal of Marriage and the Family,
57, 609-616.
Gable, S., Crnic, K., and Belsky, J. 1994. Coparenting within the family system:
Influences on children's development. Family Relations, 43, 380-386.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., and Swanson, C. 1998. Predicting marital
happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and
the Family, 60, 5-22.
Gottman, J. and DeClaire, J. 1997. The heart of parenting: How to raise
an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon and Schuster.
Editorial assistant:
Casie Presley, Agricultural Journalism student.
Copyright
2000 University of Missouri. Published by University
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